Thursday, September 27, 2001
The Lost Art of Filling The Diper
You all know how to fill your dipers, don't you? Think again! Most of you just fill it without thinking. They just let it all out, without emotion, without passion. Go with the flow. There's nothing more to it.
Of course there is more to it! Do you want to keep a low profile for the rest of your life? Or do you choose to stand up and lift yourself high above the masses? Be special! Be creative and bring some tension in your work. Be serious and take full responsibility for the product of your body.
Let me warn you: filling the diper properly is not an easy job: it's hard labour. Here's how to be the master of your digestion before digestion takes control. And we don't want that, because we know what this means: digestion in control wants to leave your body as fast as possible. Wettens your dipers so much that your butt will be soaking wet (even the strongest commercial never showed us how good they absorb the stuff; they always show you how good they absorb water. Water is colourless, so of course you don't see any rests... I believe in real commercials in real life situations. Toiletpaper? Just the same. If somebody came from another planet and saw a toiletpaper commercial, they would think toiletpaper is used to make a cosy nest for little birdies.)
You see my point: be good friends with your digestion. Here's how to fill the diper like a pro:
If you follow these rules, the results will be astounding. Perceive the smell of victory! Feel the warmth of freshness! And above all, enjoy the horror on dad's face at the rare occasions he has to deal with your biochemical weapons.
- Start by building some pressure. Hold your breath and bundle all available force to the center of your body (it's almost a Zen-like experience)
- Use the muscles of your legs and stretch your back and legs. The movement will untie whatever is stuck
- Also concentrate some force in your cheeks. Don't be ashamed to blush by doing this.
- Growl like a wild predator hunting for a prey.
Wednesday, September 26, 2001
This was in today's newspaper:
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
Why babys sleep during the day
Simple: because we don't sleep during the night. Yeah, yeah, grown ups nod their head now: they seem to know we are awake now and then because we need a comforter, hugs, answers to the big issues in life or because filling the diper is a hard job.
We pretend to be helpless, needy little creatures to feed our parents self esteem. It gives them an impression of importance, of being wanted and necessary for the world. These feelings are important to them in order to survive their empty lives. That's probably why they bought you in the first place. Check if your oldies owned a Tamagochi close to the date you were generated. Maybe they wanted you because Tama ran out of batteries.
My point is: keep up the good work, show that you depend on them. Meanwhile, continue to go out during the night... That's right, growies! We leave your houses during the night and meet other baby's in seperate, totally unknown communities! While we leave, we meet the goblins in the doorway.
You need proove for our parties? Didn't you notice you find us in the strangest positions in our beds? Sometimes we seem to be thrown in a corner. Sometimes our head is where our feet should be. Sometimes we occupy the short direction of the bed. Sometimes, we're just laying there as parked little sportcars, with our butt pointing in the air. Last sunday, I didn't have the time to put on my sweater before dad arrived, so my arm was out of my sleeve.
This is evidence material biggies don't notice. But the subculture is real...
Last sunday, mom and dad took me for a swim. At first, I thought it would be cool, doing some kilometers you know: there's an olympic record waiting for a future Feyo... Then it turned out to be the first of a series of initial swimming lessons! I swimmed for 9 months! Do they really think I don't master the swimming skill yet? Furthermore, the swimming pool was more like a big bathtube: say bye to a sportive afternoon!
After some bathing with 10 little loosers, it became clear why I was there: the teacher picked me out for a little demonstration for his exercises. He wanted to show the others how to do it the good way. I always regarded myself as an example to the rest of the world.
In the end I had some fun though: I had the opportunity to splash a lot while being continuously hugged by mom (my favourite person), so no complains here. Maybe one negative point: could somebody please fire that teacher guy? While mom was talking to me, he poured water over my head from behind my back, that coward! He did this to all the kiddies. They already asked me to replace the fellow the next time. Oh right, next time there are some bigger issues to solve: dad will be the one guiding me...
Sunday, September 23, 2001
How to test your parents' emotional stability (part II)
I'm here to guide you to victory! Here are some strategy hints to crush your opponent:
As expected, dad gave up after 60 minutes; only half of the pulp had left the plate! Victory!
- When the first spoon enters your mouth, start by coughing: the coughing will spread your fruit troops over your bib territory. Don't worry, they're only there temporary. By putting your troops at the border of your territory, you're close to cross it.
- Let your rival think he's doing rather good: collect the content of some spoons in the back of your mouth. It is important not to swallow the pulp in this stage.At the moment your opponent comes with another heavy loaded spoon, squeeze all collected pulp outside your mouth. At that time, he's unable to react, so all pulp will drip from your mouth to the vulnerable space between your bib and your throat (there's always some space left in between; parents don't want you to suffocate).
- Give him a little hand (literally): grab the spoon with your hand and then touch your clothes with it.
- Let him know you need your comforter while waiting for the next spoon: the comforter can be loaded with pulp and therefor is your friend in spreading pulp all over the place.
- Sneeze! By sneezing you can get far behind the border of your bib. Like a long distance missile.
- A sudden movement of the arms pushes the spoon, transforming it to a pulp catapult.
- Turn your head to the left and right, making it impossible to add more food. Act uninterested.
- Push away your bib. The territory below the bib may not be forgotten. Ultimately you can pull the bib from your throat.
- At this point, dad might feel the urge to shout. When he raises his voice just a little, start crying immediately, so that every expression of emotions from his site is punished.
I don't know why, but dad seemed a little rough in cleaning my mouth afterwards...
How to test your parents' emotional stability (part I)
Little friends, let's face it: our lives as babys can be pretty boring. There aren't always toys within reach. Grownups don't give you the attention you need. And most of the time we're just sitting there in the same dull house.
Things can even get worse when you're stuck with dad for the rest of the day. He gives you just enough attention to keep you from crying. Nothing more. Time to make our lives a little more exciting and teach him a little lesson at the same time: let's play a little game today!
The name of the game is Fruit Pulp Risk. You all know Risk, right? In this game, both players have a certain territory and the goal of the game is to conquer as much territory as possible of the opposite player. In Fruit Pulp Risk (FPR), player one (=baby)'s territory is a bib (=what surrounds baby's throat to keep its clothes clean while eating). Player two (dad) thinks he ownes the rest of the world. The goal of FPR is to conquer as much of the world outside your bib as possible by spilling pulp on player two's territory. In other words, fruit pulp as a weapon. Player two wins when he succeeds in giving you all pulp he had prepared. However, player one wins when there's still food left when player two surrenders and leaves the rest of the food as is.
- Take your time for this game: duration is approx. 1 hour.
- Make sure your opponent had a busy, stressfull week.
- Wake up from your little nap crying for food. That way you warn your opponent there's a hard time to come